I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
