Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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