Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
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