My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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