I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
