I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
