Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
