508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
