We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
