he thought i was a dude.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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