Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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