if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
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