The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
