found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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