he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
