i just wanna soil my oats bro
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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