i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
