Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Im just a social blackout drinker.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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