Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
