Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Randomize
