My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
