how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
