he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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