how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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