On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
