I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
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the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
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Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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