I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
