My first STD was from a foam party
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
If I had your ass I would rule the world
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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