someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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