I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
It's rum buckets o'clock
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
