So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
