I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
