All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
