Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
