I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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