Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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