found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
