Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
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