Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
