____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
