Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
how drunk are you?
Several
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
