you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
