There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Randomize
