Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
