dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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