Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
