there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
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