I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
