last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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