How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
