i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Randomize
