dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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