Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
