Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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