my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
