I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Is it penis luge time yet?
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Randomize
