Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
