I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
