she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
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